The Way I Feel
by Jaya Korin
Summary: A Seiji and Touma saga (yaoi) *grins* just at the beginning will either one ever admite their feelings towards the other? Or will it all be in vain and nothing ever go anywhere. Read it and find out don't think I'm about ta tell ya now. =Þ
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I don't how RW or YST and I didn't write these lyrics I can't remember the actually name of the song or who sings it off the top of my head right now but I don't own in either. However this story is mine. If you have any comments or such e-mail me at dangarst@juno.com. This is my first attempted at a story that goes with lyrics so *shrugs* don't be too harsh I know it's not that good. However I do hope that you like it.   
Arigrato   
Lady Jaya   
  
The Way I Feel  
By: Lady Jaya   
Written: 1/28/00   
  
The Room was quiet and neither of us move we just sit there in the silence that surrounds us in the dark room. There is a fire in the fire place at first it crackles loudly and burns bright. Then slowly began to die down neither of us notice either that or neither of us care. We just sit there staring anywhere but at each other. Neither of us wondered where the others have disappeared to, they will be gone for the rest of the weekend and I know both of us wish that they were back but we can't bring our selves to say it. Yet as I watch him sitting there I know that in a sense I'm glad that they are gone. That I can have this time to just sit here and study him out of the corner of my eye, even if I don't dare look right at him. He doesn't know how I feel and I wonder what he would say if he knew. Would he feel the same or would he just laugh and tell me to forget it. Thinking all the time that I'm some kind of messed up freak? I don't know if I could take that coming from him and yet I'm not sure I can stand to not know for much longer. Every time I see him I feel my heart start to beat faster inside my body, it's a wonder he hasn't heard it yet. Still every time he sees me watching him all he does is give me that strange smile of his. The one that always makes me stop breathing for a minute before he turns and leaves. Though some times he comes over and sits down next to me... When that happens, I just feel stupid and yet totally elated at the same time by his nearness. Always trying to find something to say and yet having nothing at all, but he never seems to mind. I don't know if it's just the sight of him that gets me the most of if it's his smell. He has a unique smell all his own. It's a strange mixture of things I can't always name. At times I think it's mainly sandalwood and then at others I could swear it's more jasmine or something else. Perhaps it's that special herbal shampoo he uses and then again... I sigh and he shifts his relaxed position on the couch. I turn to look at him only to find him watching me and when he speaks his voice his soft.   
"Touma-chan?"he asks his golden hair like waves of shimmering grain or spun sunlight. His light skin golden in the light that still spills out from the fire a half smile plays across his lips, and I find I can only nod in reply...   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
Don't you know   
That when you touch me baby   
That it's touch up...   
Brush up against me,   
I get chills all down my spine...   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
I feel his hand rest on mine where it lays on the arm of the chair I'm reclining in and I shiver at his touch. His hand feels warm and soft and mine rough and calloused against his soft touch. Shivers race through my body and I look up in surprise to see that smile on his face the smile that drives me nuts. His flashing ice blue-violet eyes meet my clear blue ones and I see the mirth in they're clear depth something I'm not used to seeing there. It is a look I cherish when I do see it and I know an involuntary smile spreads across my own face. I open my mouth to say something, but find I have not the words to say what is I feel in my heart what I've longed to tell him for so long and so I remain silent for a little longer...   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
When you talk to me   
It's painful   
You don't know what you do   
To this heart of mine...   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
I blinked in surprise as I feel the warmth of his palm leave the back of my hand. I watch him swinging his legs over the side of the couch never taking his eyes off mine when he does so. When he speaks I don't know what to say I don't know what to do. My heart beats faster just as the sound of his voice it's raises and falls in it's soft sing song sort of tone that I love so much. It falls on my ears sweater then any of the music I have heard in my too long and yet at the same time too short life.   
"So?" His soft question brings me back from my revere and back again to him. I want to scream it out to the world to anyone who will hear me what I feel inside but I can't find the words. My heart aches as you continue to speak still past the pounding of my heart I can hear not a word you say...   
  
  
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
Try'n to make this one intellectual   
The way I feel is sexual   
The way I feel is sexual   
Can't is just be intellectual   
The way I feel is sexual   
The way I feel is sexual   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
Hai, I know they same I am smart. I'm supposed to be the intellectual one yet how in the hell can they call me that when I can't think straight whenever he's near. My mind becomes like a wall of fog and I can see nothing but him can be seen in it. Every time I try to figure out the logic behind it all, I keep coming back to is you, and you, and you again. I hate to admit it but I know in the deep dark depths of my soul, a place I hate to go and yet I fear I must for that is the place where you reside. For when it comes to you, I know that I love you and yet I know that this thing this dark thing I feel it's not just love. It know the name for it and I'm scared to say it. Lust. The way I feel for you is also not just simple lust though it goes deeper though how much deeper I am scared to find out. I'm not sure I want to know and yet I fear I must or I will go mad but what does it matter. Then again I'm already mad in a sense...   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
I encompass the silence   
I watch you're mouth move   
Baby When you're speaking...   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
As you continue to talk I find myself drawn more and more to you're lips. I watch them move in silent fascination wondering in the back of my mind what you are saying. Focused on you're lips they look soft and I want to know what it would be like to pull your body against mine to feel your lips pressing against mine as we kiss. But I know it is not to be. Yet even though I try I can not look away from those lips and you talk on seemingly un-aware of my preoccupation. Then again you always were good, perhaps too good at keeping what you really felt inside you and not showing it.   
  
  
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
Study you're body   
When you walk out of the room   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
Then suddenly your lips stop moving and I look up in surprise to find your strange and yet alluring eyes watching me with a sort of thoughtful look.   
"Night Touma-chan,"you say as you stand up and start moving away from me. Heading slowly towards the door with a tired shake of your head. You run your hand through your mused blond locks but they only fall back into place on your brow. I study your body as you move. The way you moves with the grace of a cat a half smile on you're face a lazy relaxed look that makes me smile, that involuntary act feels strange. I can see your muscles under the loose unbuttoned shirt you're wearing. I want to know what it would be like to feel your hard toned muscles under my hands, or pressed against my body. I want you more then I've ever wanted something before in my life. you pause in the door and my breath catches in my throat for a second I think you're going to stop that you will come back to me. But you don't... You move on up the stairs, slowly I let my breath out wondering how your sleek, slime body can hold the power I know is hidden in the depths of your soul. However it does not matter, nothing matters I still can't find the words...   
"Seiji..." I whisper you're name. To my surprise you stop turning back to look at me with that little smile that is yours and yours alone.   
"What is it Touma-chan?" You ask your eyes studying me, and I shiver as they move slowly down my body and then back up.   
"Nothing,"I turn away looking down at the book that lies turned up side down in my lap where I lay it god knows how long ago. My hands laying on the arm rests clenched so tightly around them that the knuckles are white but you seem not to notice that, and perhaps you don't.   
"Nothing Seiji-chan." My heart falls into my stomach as you hesitated for a mer fraction of a second before turning and heading towards you're room with a shrug.   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
You don't see how much you...   
Value my friend ship   
But I want you addicted...   
To my perfume   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
A single tear slip down my cheek, you have no clue how much you mean to me. I wonder what you think of me, what does my presence do when you are around me? What does our friend ship mean to you? Or is it just that a friend ship? What would you do if I were no longer here? I know I could not go on without you, but could you go on without me? Yet still it is just friendship that is all that is between us. But I still want more, all I want is you, all of you. You're heart body and soul. If only it was possible...   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
Try'n to make this one intellectual   
The way I feel is sexual   
The way I feel is sexual   
Can't it just be intellectual   
The way I feel is sexual   
The way I feel is sexual   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
As I sit after you have left I try again to figure out this dilemma but still it makes no sense. They say I have more brains then most but my intellect helps me not this night. The way I feel can not be explained by pure logic, it just is... I slowly stand up biting my lip as I close my book folding over the corner of the page. I move up the stairs pausing to glance at the closed door of you're room. Are you asleep already? Or are you laying in your bed? When you ly in bed awake at night do you ever think of me? Do your thoughts ever stray to something beyond our friend ship even if it's just in your fantasies? I sigh, and it sounds loud in the silent darkness of the hall. I turn without another sound. There is no point in dwelling on it longer... I still have no words with which to tell you how I feel, if only I had the words to say what I feel. But I don't and so there is no point in dwelling on what will not be. My logic tells me that. My logic can not help me find the words, perhaps some day my heart will help me find the words. But I don't know how to use my heart its like a foreign member of my body. Even the tears on my cheeks are strange things. I have cried and yet I find the wetness falling from my eyes unsettling. I close the door to my room and lean back against it I want to scream in frustration. If only I had the words to explain to you how I feel, if only..... If only.... If only.... If only, I knew how to use my heart instead of my logic for some times logic can't not explain things no matter how hard I try to make it work... And the madness of this feeling is driving me crazy. If only I know what to say to you ...   
  
... ~*~ ...   
  
The End   
Finished: 1/29/00   



	2. No One Knows My Heart

No One Knows My Heart  
Sequel To: The Way I Feel   
By: Lady Jaya   
Started: 2/10/00   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
Song: No One Knows My Heart   
By: Susan Austin   
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~   
  
I sighed as I slowly walked up the stairs, pausing on the lands for a second before heading towards my room, closing the door quietly behind him. Closing it against the darkness and the silence that seemed to hang over the whole place as of late. The others were still gone and wouldn't be back for a while. So it was only me and Touma left for a little while longer. Which was fine with me it was nice to have a little quiet time without the others around all the time. Don't get me wrong we're all friends, and really close, closer then most people are in face, but that doesn't mean we don't get tried of each other now and then. Everyone need their own space some times, though I seem to need it more then the others... I contemplate this for a while as I pull off my shirt and put it in the hamper in the corner before glancing around the dark room. Finally I spotted the cup of water that stood on top of the dresser next to the bottle of pills, dumping two into my hand I quickly took them and set the cup back down...   
  
* ~_~ * ~_~ *   
  
Standing at my window   
Hidden by the night   
Harboring the private wounds   
Safe and out of sight   
There's an agony in living   
But there's a comfort in the truth   
That no one knows my heart   
Better then you   
  
* ~_~ * ~_~ *   
  
Slowly I turn away and walk over to the window throwing it open, letting the cool crisp air of the night slide over my warm body. It was colder then I would have thought out side and yet right then I didn't mind it felt good. I don't know why but right then I wished the others would come back, so that I wouldn't have to be here all alone with him for another day. I wasn't sure how much more of this I could take. I see the way he looks at me and the fear in his eyes when I catch him watching me. But what he doesn't understand is that I know how he feels for I know I feel the same and that scares me. So I stand here hidden by the wings of the night in the window the window of my life looking back on what I am and looking out at what I could be not sure what to do to say or to take that lept to become something different. I know what I fear I keep it locked away deep inside my heart in a place I rarely dare to go and yet as of late I find myself longing to go into that dark place more and more. It's a wound of a sorts a wound of the heart and soul not of the body. Something that I want and yet I know I can never let myself have never let myself go for if I do there will be no turning back. But there is another part of me who wants to forget it all to let it go and not look back that it doesn't matter just as long as... I can not do that, no one knows and that is good, that is the way it should be. We are all close that is true but we all have our secrets that we tell no one things that we keep hidden in our heart of hearts. But the truth is I am tired of this life tired of hiding in the shadows, tired of keeping this dreadful and yet wonderful secret locked away. I want to go to you to place myself at you're mercy, to tell you everything. I want you to know my heart better then anyone else, I want you to know how I feel how I think. I want you to know everything there is about me, everything I keep hidden. I've never wanted anything so bad before in my life as I want you to know me now, always I have been alone in this words always on my own and now I don't want that any more. I want you to know I want you to understand, I want to hear you're soft words of comfort when I need them when there is no one else around. But I know that it is not possible that there is nothing in that avenue of venter and it hurts me to know that. The truth is I'm scared, I'm scared that what I see in you're eyes when you look at me isn't true that I will only end up getting hurt and so I say nothing and go on day to day alone always alone...   
  
* ~_~ * ~_~ *   
  
I can face a lot of people   
With this sanguine act of mine   
Guarded by the eloquence   
I sometimes hide behind   
But it's a veil of false pretenses   
That you can see right through   
Cause no one knows my heart   
Better then you   
  
* ~_~ * ~_~ *   
  
Slowly I move from the window closing it quietly with a sigh moving over to the bed. I'm tired I know I am but somehow sleep doesn't come, it never does when I wish it would the most. Like tonight sleep eludes me like the sly fox eludes the hounds when they chase him, but tonight I would rather be caught then to escape. My heart aches and I stand up again too restless to lay here and think. I don't want to think it only takes me lower and lower but there is nothing to do. So I get up and head towards the door perhaps a snack will help to settle my stomach that suddenly feels like it's full of butter flies. I glance down the hall towards his door but will no let myself go there no anywhere but to that door and into that room. If I ever dare to that there will be no returning for sure that I know. I turn away and head down the stairs towards the kitchen not needing the lights to find my way in this place I know as well as the back of my head. By the time I hear the door knob turn its to late to retreat into the relative safety of my room as he steps out into the hall way above me.   
"Seiji?" His voice his soft and I dare not turn to look at him though I know he's watching me with those alluring blue eyes half hidden by uneven locks of blue hair most likely leaning on the banister with a half smile on his face.   
"What?" My voice sounds strange in the silence of the large nearly empty house, and he gives a low laugh.   
"I thought you'd gone to bed,"he says and I can hear him moving towards me. I force myself to calm down though I know my heart is in my throat, and it is good that he can't see how flushed and hot my cheeks are in the dark.   
"I'm getting a late night snack," I say putting up my facade of grace and easy, with much more difficulty then usual. Why is it that I can face a room full of people without a problem and yet when I'm near you I have to fight for every ounce of control...   
"Mind if I join ya?" He falls into step with me, and I have no reason to say yes.   
"No." I'm glad for once that my voice does as I wish it to glad that I have my control to hide behind even though it seems so transparent when you're standing next to me and it's harder and harder to keep in place as the time goes on... And I wonder if you can see straight through me? It would not surprise me if you could, that if you already know my heart better then I care to think. But if that is true then you would say something for you are not one to stay silent unless... I will not think of that as you move ahead of me into the kitchen and I pray that you do no turn the lights on, for the darkness helps to hide my discomfort, and inability to keep control of my emotions no matter how hard I try...   
  
* ~_~ * ~_~ *   
  
Part of me is reaching   
Part of me holds back   
But when it comes to you   
I am a doorway   
You're free to walk into   
Cause no one knows my heart   
Better then you...   
  
* ~_~ * ~_~ *   
  
Despight myself I let out a sigh when you do not turn the lights on but instead move across the room to open the fridge and I watch from the door, no longer do I remember why I even came down here. I watch the way you're body moves as you lean back slightly to see what's in the father reaches of the fridge. The bright light from inside high lights you're slim muscular body making you're hair look more black then the blue I know it is. Oh god how I want to slip my arms around you're body to pull you to me and never let you go. You are the most beautifull piece of work that I have ever seen, so perfect. What would it be like feel you're skin against mine, to hold you all night to... A part of me longs to reach out and my mind is reaching out trying to call you to me though I will not let the words escape my lips, I bite my tongue till I taste blood to keep the words from coming out.   
"Seiji?" He speaks breaking the spell that had been cast upon my heart and soul and I pull back knowing I can not tell him no matter what.   
"Hai?" My voice cracks but you seem not to hear it as he turn from me to look back into the fridge.   
"What do you want?" He asks the question and it rings in my ears and upon the drum of my heart. ~you~ my mind screams, yet as always I pull back. I can not tell you, but oh god how I wish I could, how I wish I was any place but here right now.   
"I don't know," I say finally managing to find my voice again just in time as you pull out a plate of left over rice. My stomach lurches and food doesn't sound so good any more, I think if I eat now it won't stay down long enough for me to take another bite.   
"Rice,"he waves the plate slightly in my direction,"I'll share we can use two spoons." I'm I wrong or is there something almost hopeful in his voice, and in the way his eyes travel across my half clothed body, I dismiss it as nothing but my already messed up mind, it is not so. Sometimes I imagine myself as if I were a door way that everyone walks through but that no one ever says thank you to. For every day you walk through millions of doors and yet you never notice them. Oh god how I wish you would come and knock at the door of my heart and I would gladly let you in, I would let you know what is inside my heart, I would let you know the very essence of my being if only... You sit down at the table, I have to leave before I loose all of my control.   
"Night Touma,"I hear the hesitance in my voice, I don't want to leave and yet at the same time I want to run, and never stop till I'm so far away that you will never find me.   
"I thought you wanted something to eat?"I see the puzzled look in you're eyes, and something else almost a hunger that sets my blood on fire just as the very sight of you makes my palms sweaty, makes me loose my control almost all the way.   
"I decided I'd better not,"I whisper and I see a surprised, worried look flash across your face, have you seen past my defenses?   
"Seiji,"you start to stand,"Are you alright."   
"I'm fine,"quickly I hurry towards the door, I have to get out of her. I near jump out of my skin as you're hand touches my shoulder making me shiver at the feel of you.   
"Seiji, please."   
"Really Touma,"I try to make my voice sound calm but I know it doesn't. I pull away from him with a jerk though it eats at the very essence of my soul as I feel his hand leave my shoulder as I hurry up the stairs.   
"Call me if you need anything,"a tear spills down my cheek as I open the door, and close it quickly behind me locking it with hands that shake...   
  
* ~_~ * ~_~ *   
  
There's an agony in living   
But there's a comfort in the truth   
That no one knows my heart   
Oh, no one knows my heart   
Better then you...   
  
* ~_~ * ~_~ *   
~Oh god~ my mind whispers as I slowly slide down the rough surface of the door ~What am I doing?~ In truth I don't know. ~Surviving~ I suppose ~I'm merely living from day to day trying to survive.~ There is an agony in every minute I live these days, a longing to tell you and always, always having to fight that longing the longing on of my heart, mind, and soul. Why don't I just give in and tell you? I do not know the answer to that question and I'm not sure that I want to. Oh how I long for you to know me so much better then you do but I know that it's not possible... I feel like screaming in frustration, and I pound my fists against the floor leaning my head back against the door in defeat. There is nothing in this life to live for besides you and even you I can not have. I can never have anything, and though my heart cries for you to know it can not happen unless the mountains fall into the heart of the sea and the heaves come crashing to earth. Perhaps some day I will understand why I fight this feeling but right now I am no closer to that understanding then I was a day ago and as the days go by so does my need for you grow stronger and I fear that one of these days I will no longer be able to keep it inside. It will break free like some ravished monster and I fear even more what will happed that day more then I fear death it's self. I could face death and laugh out loud but when it comes to you I do now know... It seems I do know my own mind any more... Slowly I stand up, moving away from the door trying to control the way my hands are shaking but its no use, firsts clenched at my side and now my whole body is shaking uncontrollably quickly I sit down on the bed. Chills wash over me now and I blink back the strange feeling of tears on my cheeks burying my face in my pillow, but even in sleep I can not escape you or my hearts need for you...   
  
The End   
Finished: 2/12/00   
Lady Jaya   



	3. Ball And Chain

## Ball and Chain

_Sequel To: NO One Knows My Heart_

By: Lady Jaya 

_Started: 2/18/00_   
  


**... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ...**   
  


Music By_: Susan Austin_

Titles_: Ball and Chain_   
  


**... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ...**   
  


I watched as he walked out of the room and I could hear my own words and they sounded and felt hallow in comparison to what I was feeling and yet I still said them. I don't think I even clearly heard his reply that night. For I can not recall as of right now the words he uttered as he left him. Yet I could see from the way he walked the set of his bare shoulders, and the way his hands seemed almost to shake as he quickly pulled clenched them tight shut. Yet I could not and would not let myself believe what I was seeing. This was not the Seiji I know no this was not like him at all. Did I dare hope that perhaps.... ~no~ I did not and slowly I sat back down at the table staring forlornly at the plate of rice on the table before me... For it no longer looked appetizing as it had only a few minutes or seconds ago. Suddenly the house seemed somehow colder and more empty then it had since the others had left and I stood up again pushing the plate of food away from him. Slowly I ran my hands up and down my airs wishing that it was not only my touch trying to warm myself up but that it was his touch setting me on fire... For a second I closed my eyes imaging that it was... But in my mind I knew it wasn't and I quickly opened my eyes again I would no go there this time no.. Slowly I head up the stairs pausing I glance towards his room no sound can be heard from inside. I know he is not asleep yet how I know this I do not know all I know is that I do know... ~Seiji~ his name comes to my mind like water comes to the earth as it always must. It falls naturally from my tongue but I will not say it for he will hear. Quickly I turn moving to my room for I do not know what I will do if I continue to let my thoughts follow these courses of their choosing. But it seems more oft then not I am helpless to stop them from going on their on recourse... What will become of me, I do not know. I pray that I will not have to wait too much longer to know for I know not how much longer I can stand this. For sooner or later I know that I will no longer be able to keep this terrible and yet thrilling secret in my heart. It is a secret that cries to be shouted out for all to hear it is not one to be kept locked up inside and it has already been a prisoner in the depth of my soul for way too long, much longer then I think that I can even fathom. Some secrets you know just as soon as they become secrets and other secrets they seem to sort of grow on you over time so slowly you do not know they are there till one day....one day it all gives way coming right up to hit you on the nose and you know it's a secret... I do not know if I'm making any sense it seems more oft then not that I make no sense to anyone except myself. Quietly I close the door behind my self moving slowly over to the bed the covers already thrown back from where I'd gotten up earlier unable to resist the temptation to see him again... I curse myself for my secret for my passions and my ugly and lovely desires that I can no sooner fight then I can control. For long that is. I do not know what I am doing in this world some times it seems I am merely a passengers along for the ride. I can see my purpose or more likely a possible purpose somewhere in the haze of the future but I can no sooner touch it then I can quite discern for myself what it is but I know it is there and I pray to god as I lay there wishing that sleep would over take me so that I could dream again of you. That my future holds you in it's heart much as I hold you there now. Though you do not know it... yet ... and I pray that some day you will know and it will mean as much to you as it does to me that there is a chance that just perhaps you would hold me in your heart as I hold you ...   
  


..**... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ...**   
  


_In the middle of the night_

_Wakened by the wind_

_Of was it something from my past_

_Come to call again?_

_It was the presence of the pain_

_That I could not escape_

_And it wrapped around my soul_

_Like a ball and chain_   
  


**... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ...**   
  


My eyes flew up and I stared up at the stark white ceiling in surprise. The room it still dark, though I know it is no longer the middle of the night for already the birds have started to raise out side. Something had wakened me... But I lay there unable to figure out what... Suddenly another gust of wind rattles the window rustling in the trees of the forest as well and something close to a smile plays across my lips. It was not another dream of the past though that had happened often enough. The past held pain and joy forever but for me it was not something I wished to remember. Yet I can not help that I when I dream I visit the past over and over again, that I must remember and relive that assistance the pain that is present there.. ~iieeee~ I whisper to the darkness... The pain, the sorrow, and the joy of the time wraps around my soul like a chain with a ball attached to it. A heavy thing that weights me down but I know not how to remove it and so it stays there always to bring me down and down again... I know I will not be able to sleep again this night. But it will not be long now till the sun shows her face for the gray light of dawn has already peek through the thin white curtains that hang on the window. I slowly sit at up and rubbed the back of my hand across my eyes with a shiver. It's not really cold and yet... I do not know how to describe the feeling I feel right now it excises and yet there are no words to say what it is... I run a hand through my ruffled light golden hair and sigh again, as it falls back into my eyes. I wonder if you have slept any better then me. Oh well that is not for me to know I suppose I hope that you did it would be good if at least one of us got some rest. Not that I guess it's going to make any difference in the long run anyway... Still ... I grab the cloths I'd laid out the night before and head towards the showers, no since in laying around doing nothing...   
  


_**... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ...**_   
  


_All of us have a heartache_

_All of us have been stained_

_All of us have longed for freedom_

_But there is only one who can break_

_This ball and chain_   
  


_**... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ...**_

_Slowly I roll over and again my scraggly blue bangs fall back down into my face only this time I don't bother to brush them back as usual. I sigh and turn again so that I can look out the window. Slowly I sit up upon seeing that already the sun has started to come up over the edge of the earth. I can see it's first few rays over the tree tops. I have no slept this night, but if I haven't slept yet what's the point I will not sleep now so what's the point..._

_Maybe I'll go take a shower. A nice long hot shower so hot not even Ryo could stand it something, anything to take my mind off you... Quickly I grabbed my towel and sling it around my bare shoulders heading out into and down the hall way towards the shower just as I hear the water start...._

_~Damn you Seiji~ You had to get into the shower before me... I smile an evil little smile perhaps I just go down stairs and use the other one see how he likes that. But something stops me and I pause there outside the door at the sound of you're voice..._

_"Oh godssss,"pause,"Why the heellll does there have to be suck a thing aass a heart-ach..." I suck in my breath at his words and move closer bitting my lower lip in surprise._

_"They say that we all have heart aches, that we have all be touched by the stain, the bless or the curse for which it might be of loooovveee..... But Iieee La La. Why can't I forget about him?" ~him?~ the word rings in my mind so loud and so clear that I near fall over as I lean back against the wall barely able to breath as it is. What is Seiji talk about? It couldn't be.... Could it? No I can't think that, I won't... But gods what if it's true? I start to move away_

_"Iiiieeeeee...." You're soft whisper brings me instantly to a stop "How I have longed just for one day to be free of this cursed thing. Yet what if the only way I can be free is to tell him? Oh gods I know now what to do... There is only one who can break away the ball that hangs from the chain of my heart..." ~WHO~ I want to scream as Seiji's soft sing song voice falls silent again and only the rushing of the water is left. I begin to despair thinking that maybe you will say no more and then you say the one thing I needed to hear. The one thing that sets my blood on fire the one thing that gives me hope..._

_"Touma......" _   
  


_**... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ...**_   
  


_In the middle of the night_

_Waked by the wind_

_Or did I hear it call my name_

_Like a faithful friend?_

_It was the presence of the peace_

_That I could not escape_

_And it wrapped around my soul_

_Like a warm embrace_   
  


_**... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ...**_

_Slowly I stepped out of the shower with a sigh and quickly toweled myself off before pulling my cloths on. Quickly brushing my hair back he shook it out of my eyes again and headed towards the door. Slowly I headed down the hall back towards my room. It was still dark and no other sound could be heard through out the place. I tossed my dirty cloths and wet towel into the hamper. Grabbing my dark green sweat band, from the top of the dresser I slipped it over my still wet hear and headed down the stairs. My feet had barley touched the bottom when suddenly there was sound behind me. I whirled my eyes starring to see in the semi darkness of the place. The lighting so bad that it might just as well have been the middle of the night. Then it came again and I slowly let out the breath I had not know I'd been holding. It was only the wind, I roll my eyes, probably the same wind that woke me earlier this morning. A strange wind, that seems to be trying to tell my soul something and yet has not quite the right words to say what it wants. SO in turn I can not fully understand it but I know that it is there. ~Hhmmm~ shaking off the strange feeling I head towards the door. _

_....Seeiiiijjjjiiiii.... I snapped around at the suddenly whisper of my name but again there is still nothing there. A sound father up... I blinked as Touma stepped out of his room a little smile on his face he stopped when he saw me. It was just like that my breath left my body and it was as if just his present could banish the coldness of the wind that had whispered my name. We stood there for how long I'll never know just watching each other. It was as if something warm and peaceful had settled into the space between us and it was comforting not to say anything. It had been like this between us before that had been before I'd realized what I felt for him and just thinking it brought fire to my cheeks as I started at him. For an instant our eyes met my own ice-blue-violet with his lovely dark-sky-blue ones, and I blinked in shock at the strength and clarity of what I saw in their depth.. Something soo deeply mirrored in my own soul that I knew not what to say or to do. ~oh god~ what would it be like to hold him in my arms. Or to be locked in his own warm embrace... But quickly I turned away breaking the feeling in the air a feeling I knew I could not keep no matter how much I wanted it... As I ran from the room and out the door I heard him call my name. I could not stop now, nor was I sure that I ever wanted to stop again. Could what I had seen in his eyes when I'd looked into them be true or what it all my imagination??? _   
  


_**... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ...**_   
  


_Facing all my fears_

_Knowing that he's near_

_ I stand tall_

_Healing as his tears_

_Wash my lonely years_

_He calls to me_

_In the middle of the night_   
  


_**... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ...**_   
  


_I didn't know what to think, as Seiji turn. Involuntarily his name fell from my lips as if it where meant to be there..._

_"SEIJI!!!" But the other was already gone, and it was too late to follow him. I knew I could never keep up with Seiji much less hope to follow him in the woods. That was his domain and his realm he could easily loose me there. I slumped back against the wall and slowly ran a hand through my air. ~oh shit~ What the hell was going on. After what I had heard him say in the shower could it be true? Could Seiji really feel the same way that I feel??? Yet he had said it and Seiji rarely it my experience said things like that, that he did not mean. I closed my eyes for a minute and let my head rest on my chest breathing slowly. I would tell him when he got back, I could no longer hide this monestrous and yet lovely thing inside me any longer I had to let it come out into the light no matter what the cost. If what I had heard was true then.... then whatever happened, happened for the better or for worse I not longer cared. If for some reason I had been wrong in what I had heard and in what I had seen in his eyes when they had met mine then I would have to live with that. For I knew now as I had somehow always know that I had always and would always love him no matter what happened I would love Seiji.... A slow smile spread across my face and I pushed away from the wall moving down the stairs. It was time to get something to eat, my stomach growled as if to reinforce my words and this time I almost smiled..._

_"Seiji I love you" I said out loud for the first time in forever and it did not scare me as it once had. This time those strange and yet wonderful words filled me with a sense of awe and power that I had never known before..._   
  


_**... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ...**_   
  


_All of us have a heartache_

_All of us have been stained_

_All of us long for freedom_

_But there's only one who can break_

_This ball and chain...._   
  


_**... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ... ~~_~~ ...**_   
  


_"Touma" I whispered his name as it sent tingles through my whole body as I slowly came to a stop falling to my knees on the soft still muddy and dew wet grass of the forest. My breath came in ragged gasps but I didn't notice that all I could see was his eyes... This lovely eyes as they had stared at me in a way I had never thought was possible and yet here it was. It had happened the thing that I had been fearing and yet secretly longing for at the same time. Slowly I pushed myself back to my feet and stared up it now lightening sky. The darkness had fled for another day and it was going to be lovely one that much I knew as I set off this time at a more moderate pace. There was nothing left to hide from I told myself fiercely. I knew he had seen in my eyes my secret, my terrible and thrillingly awesome secrete. There was no longer anything to hide and yet somehow I dreaded going back. I did not want to find out that what I had seen was nothing... Oh god if that happened I don't know what I do. I loved him, I loved him more then I had the words to say... For all that I loved him I had to tell him. I knew that. There would be no more hiding in the shadows watching and waiting, that time had come and gone to fast for one to note it's passing. _

_"Touma." I say his name again and something near a smile plants itself on my face as I continue one... What will he say though? What will he think? Or worse... What will happen?... ~Oh god~ I pray though I do not know if it is right to pray for such things I can not help myself... What will the end of this day bring I do not know and I'm not sure I ever want to find out. But I do know that I will not be able to live with my self if I do not..._   
  


_The End_

_3/10/00_

_Jaya _


	4. Suffer In Silence

## Suffer In Silence

_Sequel to: **Ball and Chain**_

#### By: Lady Jaya

_Started: 4/8/00_   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


Touma sat in the front window his eyes were glaze in thought and his lips slightly parted as he stared out into the forest with unseeing eyes waiting for Seiji to come back waiting and thinking. His mind lost in thought... Thoughts of the one he waited for. Their thoughts followed much the same path though neither could have know that at the time.   
  


~Seiji~ the name felt so right on his lips. It felt right to say it in that soft sort of voice with which one says a lovers name. It just felt right. There was no other way to put it then that. 

~Seiji, Seiji, Seiji...~ Touma absently brushed his hair out of his face. 

~Iie if only Seiji would say his name like that.~ he could hear it almost just barely he imagined he could hear his name slip from the others lips. 

~Is...is possible? Could Seiji really love him or was it just same mad boys fantasies?~ Oh how he wished to god that he knew. 

~Yet he had seen something in Seiji's eyes that morning he knew he had.~ he paused ~Or had it been his damned imagination which seemed to like to run away with him more and more as of late.~ 

"Damn" he muttered bitting his lower lip. "DamnDamnDamnDamn..." 

~But it no longer mattered~ he gently touched the cold glass window pain. 

~He would tell Seiji when he came back he came back.~ 

Touma nodded leaned forward to press his lips against the glass. ~He had to know had to know what his friend thought. Had to know if it had been his imagination or if by some funk of chance it had been real...~   
  


The early morning cool was starting to wear off as Seiji headed back towards the mansion. His mind was made up and he knew what he was going to do now. He knew that he had to face Touma no matter what he couldn't live with himself if he didn't. That was the true and the acknowledge mend of that put his soul more at peace then it had been in a long time. Seiji almost smiled as he broke into a slow jog that covered the ground in more time then a fast sprit and didn't wear him out as fast.   
  


~Touma~ the mere though of the name sent tingles through his body as he ran 

~I will tell you how I feel Touma, I promise.~ He nodded to himself lost in thought. ~I promise I will no longer hide how I truly feel. It no longer matters I must know if what I've seen in your eyes is true.~ He pause for a sec catching himself before he hit the ground and continued on. 

~Oh god let it been true, _please_....~   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


Heart in a bottle 

High on a shelf 

Fragile but just out of reach 

Cause you build a fortress 

With the distance you keep 

But when your heart aches 

Doesn't it cut deep?   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


I sighed and slowly stood up. As much as I would love to loose my self in the life long day dream I knew now was not the time or the place for that. I had to have my head clear when Seiji came back so that I could tell him the true. I was going to tell him no matter what, I had to. I wasn't going to chicken out this time when I saw him coming across the yard as I had every time before. NO this time I would tell him. I glanced back over my shoulder again towards the woods hoping to catch a glimpse of Seiji's lean and beautiful figure coming through the tress following the path only he knows towards the mansion. But not yet he won't be back for another ten or fifteen minutes I know that. But somehow I can not make myself stop looking out the window. Can't stop turning to see something I saw only out the corner of my eye. Ghosts that do not exists... 

~Damn it Touma~ he scold my self and turn away from the window heading toward the kitchen. 

~Stop being such a fucking idiot.~ Maybe a cup of coffee will help me settle my nerves. I know it won't but it doesn't matter I'm going to get one anyway. The caffeine will only make me even more excited I know that from experience. But perhaps it will give something to do, something to keep my mind off the obvious.   
  


With a little sigh I slowly open the fridge taking in it's contents in a glance with a sight. 

"There's NEVER anything good to eat around this place, especially when Shin's not around." I muttered with an angry grimace. Finally selecting a rather old greasy looking piece of pepperoni pizza even thought I had no clue how long it had resided in the back of the cold box with a sight. Oh well it was something to eat that was all that mattered right now, something to keep my mind busy. Grabbing a pop at the same time I turned to the table raising a slight blue eye brown seeing my old note book sitting there. 

~Awe hell why not.~ I thought with a shrug and sat down flipping through the pages of roughly scrawled nearly illegible scrip till I found and empty sheet at last near the very back of the note book. Pulling the chewed up pencil from smashed rings at the top, I sat back in my chair taking a long sip of the soda before slowly setting the pencil to work on the piece of paper...   
  


_Seiji I don't know how your going to take this but I'm....._   
  


"No, no, NO." That was too fucked up to even consider. Scratching it out before my mind even had the chance to consider what it was doing. Bitting my lower lip as the others told me I always did when I was trying to think.... 

~At least I think I was. I never noticed it. *sighs* Okay where the hell was I?~ With a half nod of my head I set all four legs of my chair back down on the floor and lean over the table writing each word slowly considering the next one before I put it down.   
  


_Seiji... You have always be the best friend to me. More then a best friend could ever._   
  


~NONONO!~ my mind screams in frustration as I cross out the second part of the sentence and thoughtfully chew on the end of my pencil before I start writing again.   
  


_Seiji... You have always be the best friend to me. More then a best friend could ever. You have done more for me then you will ever know, more then I could ever hope to convey... And that was all I could ask then recently..._   
  


~Awe hell Touma.~ I rebuke myself. ~Why can't you just come out in say it without all this dumb ass round about junk.~   
  


_Recently, I started noticing things I hadn't noticed before._   
  


I can see your confused as hell look right now when I try and explain this crap. 

~Hell if I cant' explain it to myself how am I'm supposed to explain it to YOU!~   
  


_Damn..._   
  


I write the word and then go over it a couple of times but it doesn't help the feeling that has settled in the pit of my stomach.   
  


_Hell Seiji I guess what I'm trying to say is that... Oh gods Seiji I don't know how to say this please don't hate me for this..._   
  


_ ~_A finally plea from the crazed~ something whispered in my mind and I push it away angrily.   
  


_What I'm trying to say is that.. That I love you!_   
  


~There.~ I stare with a strange fascination at the strange words on the paper. I have written them so many times before in my mind that it feels strange to actually see them there... There on the paper. 

Suddenly the phone rings and I jump nearly from the chair in which I'm sitting. Slowly forcing myself to take a slow breath I set the pen down and stand up. 

It rings again. 

Taking on more precious second to calm myself I pick it up. 

"Hello, Koji Mansion." 

"Touma?" 

"Ya." Gods it had to be him. "What's up Ryo?" 

"Nothing, Nasuti's been pestering us ta call and makes sure you and Seiji were okay." 

"What doesn't she trust us." I say trying to feign mock horror in my voice. But I don't think I did a very good job of it. 

"Oh you know Nasuti." Ryo laughs lightly. 

"Ya Ya ya..." 

"Um so how is everything?" 

"Fine." I repress the sigh that is held behinds my tightly pressed lips. "And you?" 

"We're all fine." There is a pause. "Seiji still out?" 

"Hai." 

"Well tell him I said Hi." Ryo is silent again. 

"I will." My voice drifts slowly off as I let the words die in the air. 

"Give the others our love." 

"Will do." Ryo stops again. "Um Touma?" 

"What is it?" There is a hesitates to Ryo's voice that is strange and I do not understand it. 

"Tell him while you have the chance." There was a click on the other end of the line and slowly the hand holding the phone to my ear falls away in surprise...   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


Well, you don't have to suffer 

Suffer in silence 

You don't have to suffer 

Suffer in silence 

Don't you know that your heart 

Can feel like an anchor 

When you keep it all inside 

No don't, don't suffer in silence   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


I sigh to myself as I finally break through the forest into the space that stands between the dark out stretching fingers of the forest and the mansion pausing to take a deep shaky breath glancing towards the window where Touma is usually waiting for me. I am slightly surprised that he is not there. But not really after what happened I can't blame him for not wanting to sit there waiting for me to come back. 

~Ieeee... How can I tell him how I feel when...~ I cut the thought off it does no good. 

~I have already made up my mind I must tell him that is all there is to it. No more and no less.~ 

Perhaps just perhaps there is a chance that this will not all end in disaster. But I can not see it and there is no point in trying to right now. I can not let myself get my own hopes up that is possible only to have them dashed to the floor as I know they will be. 

Yet despight my better judge meant I can not help but allow a slight spark of hope from growing. It is a default of human nature I think. 

Shaking my hair out of my eyes I force myself to continue on across the yard and up the steps to the porch. But there again I stop hearing a voice inside my heart leaps into my throat. 

~It's Touma.~ I'd know his voice anywhere. ~But who is he talking to...~ 

I do not hear another voice it must be the phone my heart sinks down into the souls of my comfortable running sneakers. 

~Damn.~ 

I just wanted to go in there and tell him. Get this over get it off my chest before my courage fails me again. It doesn't matter I don't think though my courage will fail me when I see your beautiful face and perfectly sculpted body. Even just the sound of your voice sends chills through every part of my anatomy any more. 

I refrain from biting on my lip for even that reminds me of you. Besides it is not something I want to make into a habit. A picture of you sitting in your favorite blue chair in the living room chewing on your lip as you try to come up with the answers to some home work problem flashes before my eyes and I push it away silencing the cry of my heart. 

Steeling myself for you my hand touches the door handle and pulls back as if I have been stung. Closing my eyes for a second I call on the deep calm of the soul that has always been there for me before and open the door. 

There just as I knew it. You were standing there your back to me, a soda in one hand, you other hand holding the phone to your ear. Unbidden the life long day dream of those strong beautiful hands running over my body sends shivers through me. 

But you don't know I'm hear other wise you would have turned by now less... I will not think about that I can not! Suddenly you stop and I can see the surprise in the set of your shoulders and the way that your hand slowly falls gracefully from your ear the phone still grasped so tightly that your knuckles are write. 

Slowly you set the phone done and turn your eyes on the floor a shocked look on your beautiful face and I wonder who you were talking to. Having not heard a word my mind miles away. 

Then you look up and our eyes meet...   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


Withered with sadness 

Hurting inside 

But feeling afraid to impose 

So your an island 

But you don't have to be 

Cause if your inclined 

You can talk to me.   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


~I knew this would happen I knew it would happen even before I set foot in this house again and yet I had to.~ 

Suddenly all to aware of the sweat dripping down my fore head I pause to whip it away with the tail of my loose white shirt before I look up to find you still standing there watching me with that strange thought full, contemplating, and yet at the same time almost scared look on your face. 

~God I can not tell you now!~ Fear grips me tighter then the hands of death ever had. I feel as if I'm going to suffocate soon but anything would be better then trying to tell you the way I feel inside. ~Aeee I know already what you would think if I ever dared I can tell it I know it!~ 

But I came back to tell you because I knew I had to. Yet now even as I open my mouth to say something no sound comes...   
  


~Damn Seiji.~ Touma stared at his friend in complete and udder shock not sure what to think. 

~Why the hell did you have to be so damn... Whatever you are.~ Touma swallowed as his friend turned away from him lifting up the tail of his shirt to whip the sweat from his for head showing off the tight stomach muscles of his flat stomach. 

~What would it feel like....~ 

~NO!~ Touma violently shoved that thought away. It had it's time and it's place in the dark lonely hours of the night when there was nothing but him his fears and the demons that inhabit that realm... 

~I have to tell him.~ The clarity of it hit him all of the sudden as if it had really been a physical blow and Touma leaned back against the phone stand with it and closed his eyes fore a second before opening them again to find Seiji still watching him a strange look on his face that even his best friend could not totally read...   
  


Suddenly Seiji moves heading into the kitchen that strange look still on his face breath taking face.   
  


"I need a drink." He muttered as he brushed past him and just the smell of him sets me on fire. Unthinkingly I head after him my eyes flicker past him to the table suddenly realizing that my note book still lies there open to the page I'd been writing on before Ryo had called and my heart jumps into my thought. 

~Oh lord~ I pray my heart beating so fast I swear Seiji can hear it as he opens the fridge and pulls out the carton of milk turning away he sets it on the counter. Unlike Ryo who has no qualms about drinking straight from the container like the rest of us. I watch in fascination at your grace even as you poor your self a cup of milk and slowly turn back to me...   
  


~Okay.~ Seiji thought watching Touma out the corner of his eye. ~I can do this I can tell him!~ 

Pause 

~Who the HELL am I kidding I can't TELL HIM!~ Slowly his eyes flicker away from Touma and to the table. Laying there next to a pushed back chair and a week old piece of pizza is Touma's note book laying open and the dark blue words leap out to grab him.   
  


~Just tell him!~ screamed a voice in Touma's head all his brain storming this day and before this day for many long hours suddenly seem stupid and foolish and none of it is right as I see him now. 

~I don't know what to say.~ His breath catches in his throat as he notices where his friends gaze is directed and now there is no option left and his heart sinks as he blurts out the words he has dreaded and yet longed to say for so long... 

"Seiji.... I know this is going to sound stupid... But.... But..." Seiji slowly turns to Touma a stunned look on his face and it's over. " I love you!" 

~There to hell this it.~ Touma stars at the ground blush creeping into his cheeks. ~I've said it and that's all there is to it.~   
  


~He's even cuter when he's blushing.~ the thought comes into Seiji's mind as he stares at his best friend in shock not sure what to think or what to do. Blown away by the sudden unsuspected words...   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


But you don't have to suffer 

Suffer in silence 

You don't have to suffer 

Suffer in silence 

Oh, I know that the pain 

Can seem like an ocean 

But I'm just a word away 

No don't, don't suffer in silence   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


I watch him out of the corner of my eye and the surprise on his face sends my heart down past my feet and into the floor of the house. 

~Oh well.~ the thought races through me. ~Might as well keep going now it can't going to make any difference...~ 

"Look Seiji, I'm sorry I told you. I...I don't know where that came from. I shouldn't have said anything. It must be some weird phenomenon like ultra violet rays or dark mater... I feel like such an idiot..." 

~You're rambling~ hissed the voice in my head, but I don't care any more as the words just come tumbling out with me helpless to stop their endless flow. 

"Really Seiji I don't know where that came from. I'm sorry. I know you must think I'm a totally and complete idiot now and all. But...." Suddenly I look up to find you staring at me still with a half amused look on your face. 

~He's laughing at me...~ I can feel the heat of my cheeks, and no more words come from my mouth as I stand there. 

~I knew I shouldn't have told him I knew....~ I can feel the tears of my heart but I will not let them fall not here not now with him. I have already said more then I should made more a fool of myself... 

~I feel like a stone that has been dropped into the sea and the sea has already clutched it's dark hand around my heart.~ 

~But there is nothing I can do...~   
  


"Touma." For once my voice works again, and I don't know what to say. 

~What is there to say?~ I stare at you as your words fall like an ceaseless stream but I can't hear them or more likely I do. 

~I never realized how beautiful you look when you are trying to explain something and don't know how... Maybe it's because I've never seen you like this. But I like it...~ 

Finally I swallow the stream of feelings that are welling up in the depths of my soul as you fall silent. 

"Touma." I say your name again unable to help myself your name sounds so right when I say it just as I love to hear mine on yours. Slowly a smile spread across my face and it feels strange to smile since I don't do it often I guess. Perhaps I should do it more.   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


I'll be your shelter 

I'll be your retreat 

I'll be your shield against the wind 

So, if you need a shoulder 

For the tears that you keep 

Let it come down 

Let it rain on me.   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


Suddenly as we stand there thunder roars out side and both of us jump. The sound or rain on the roof is heavy and soothing as if it is trying to calm both of us down. The thing is I feel strangely calm. This was the last thing I could have expected to happen. The one thing I would not let my heart except and yet here it is right before me and I do not know what to say besides his name... 

"Touma I..." But again my voice fails me and I don't know what to say as you look away from me.   
  


~Why the hell did I have to go and do a stupid thing like that.~ The voice whispers in Touma's head as he stares at the floor Seiji's unfinished words hanging there as if an echo just above the sound of the rain on the roof above us and the wind that rattles the glass in the windows around us it hangs there. 

~Gods why can't I listen to myself for once always have to be a damn idiot always jumping into things without thinking them through without looking.~ 

"I love you Touma." Seiji's low voice breaks through his revere and Touma looks up in shocked surprise.   
  


The look on Touma's face is priceless as I say the cherished words again this time louder and he stares at me this time as if I am the one who has lost my mind. But I do not care I have done what I said I was going to do. I told him what I have hidden in my heart for too long. Now I know to an extent how he must have felt when he first said those strange and lovely words to me only a few minutes ago. For as I stand there I find my words gushing forth like the rain that now falls from the clouds. 

"I don't understand it... One day everything was perfect friends forever and then the next day it was like I saw you in a whole new light. There you were...." I shake my head in complete wonderment unable to go on... 

As I look up our eyes meet again and for a minute neither of us says anything seeing something that we have always longed to see and yet never believed that we would in each others eyes and it is awfully beautiful to see it there for the first time. 

Then suddenly we are both laughing though neither of us knows why. Laughter raises and fills the kitchen shutting out for a time the lovely sound of the rain only broken now and then by the rolling roar of the thunder. 

Till at last the laughter dies away and we are standing there looking at each other again and for a second we both hesitate. Before I know what is happening and I think before Touma knows it we are locked in each others arms. Content to just enjoy the feel of another human being close. The feel of the one we have always longed to hold now finally in our arms. 

It is a exhilarating feeling that sends me soaring high above the storm clouds out side and into the sun that is still shining down on them. Even farther I raise as if never to fall straight into the bliss of heaven just by the feel of Touma in my arms and the feel of his heavenly arms around me. 

And as we stand there tears of joyful gladness slowly make their coursing tracks down my cheeks but I no longer care. Just having him near is all that matters to me. Somehow I know it will all work out right in the end and now for the first time in years I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. It is a wonderful and scary feeling all at the same time...   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


Cause you don't have to suffer 

Suffer in silence 

You should never have to suffer 

Suffer in silence 

Oh, I will hear when you're calling 

Like a voice above the storm 

No don't, don't suffer in silence.   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


Finally they broke apart and stood there a food a part for a second staring into each others eyes. The shock of the revelations slowly wearing off through they would never totally leave. 

Out side the storm continued to pound the forest and the mansion nestled near it's edge. But neither of the two that stood there in the door between the kitchen and the mansion noticed it's ferocity or the chill that had crept through the house with it. Both heated by each others body heat, as the flush slowly faded from their cheeks... 

And as the thunder crashed and banged over head, and the rain poured down whipping and lashing the house in sheets blown by the wind flew past. They leaned closer to each other and sealed their words with a single tender kiss that would remain with them for as long as they lived...   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


**The End**

By: Lady Jaya 

_Finished: 4/21/00_


	5. I Hear You

I Hear You   
  


_Sequel To: I Suffer In Silence_

By: Lady Jaya 

_Started: _5/5/2000   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


Touma leaned back in the chair as he watched Seiji who knelt near the fire place carefully placing the would in a neat stack so that it would quickly catch fire. He was so beautiful and this time Touma smiled at his friends back still dazed by what had happened earlier not quite sure he believed it was possible and yet..   
  


He liked the way he could see Seiji's muscles move under his white shirt, the way the one lamp in the far corner cast a yellowish light over him. It made his hair seem almost as if it were alive as it shimmered in the light, and gave his pale skin a sort of golden ish look. But what he liked even more was the way Seiji looked in the fire light or even better yet the moon light.   
  


Touma tried to stop his grin but he couldn't as he sat there staring at his friends back thinking thoughts that only the day before it would have never let himself thing if he could possibly stop himself unless he was alone and even not then...   
  


Suddenly the pile of wood burst into flames and Touma admired his friends grace as he stood up and stepped back in one fluid movement even after crouching down near the fire place for nearly five minutes setting it up. His movements were free and easy as he turned and gave Touma little smile before flopping down onto the couch and turning to watch Touma from under bangs of golden yellow.   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


There are times I understand 

And times I question why 

And when the time's at hand 

Sometimes I want to cry 

But cannot shed a tear   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


How the hell such a thing had come to pass Seiji had no clue and yet now here he was sitting in the mansion alone with Touma when just that morning he had found out that his best friend actually felt he same way as he did... It was so strange, at the same time held a strange novelty to it that even Seiji could quite fathom yet himself.   
  


I take in a breath and slowly letting it out as I stretch out my slightly stiff muscles with a yawn watching my blue haired friend who is now staring into the fire. I blush slightly remember how I had felt his eyes on me the whole time I was doing the fire. Or the way it had felt to hold him in my arms earlier this morning.   
  


_~What would it be like to do more then just hold him. TO share more then just a simple kiss.~_ I wonder... I sigh and wonder how this wonder full thing can be and yet it is so why should I question it. A dream come true, but if it is why can I not believe it?   
  


He is so beautiful his uneven indigo colored bangs falling down into his sky colored eyes, and slightly rosy cheeks. To even more beautiful lips and more... I blink and for some reason my eyes are wet. For some reason I feel like crying perhaps it is just the strangeness of this all. I don't know as I let my mind consider other possibilities things that before this moment I had never before even thought possible things that belonged only in my dreams or in the dark depths of my soul.   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


There are moments in the shade 

There are moments in the sun 

And there are certain days 

That I wish would never come 

But still they reach me here   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


For some reason I find myself memorized by the fire as I have by his beauty and even in the fire I find things that remind me of the person who is sitting on the couch so near to me and yet so far in other ways.   
  


_~Had it really happened?~_ I shake my head and I can still hear his voice saying the words. _~"I love you."~_   
  


Yes as I sit here staring into the fire I remember the darkness of those days that seemed to never end the days that I would never survive before. The days when you were there so close to me that I could breath you taste you and yet never tell you, never touch you, never...   
  


Then again there were the days when I would be floating on the clouds just because you smiled at me. The days when I could almost imagine that you felt the same for me as I felt for you. When a few words, a smile, or just a look and I would be floating in bubble while everything else flowed around.   
  


Or the nights when I wished the day would never come when I was so afraid that I would say something wrong. That I would somehow give it all away. The nights when I couldn't banish the dreams or the thoughts. Or when I didn't want to. It was the days after those nights that I feared the worst the days when just a look from you would almost send me over the edge.   
  


Yet somehow now I am here staring into the flames of a fire that you built and it burns like the fire in my hearts as I turn to look at you almost afraid that what happens this morning was just another dream. IT is so unreal and still...   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


In the silence in my mind 

There's a solace that I find   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


As Seiji watched Touma for once his mind was quiet and there was nothing but his simple beauty that pulled Seiji in and left him there. Lost in it lost to the world around as he sat there and just stared at Touma with a silly little smile on his face and a sparkle in his eyes that was hardly ever seen there.   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


And when my soul hits the mark 

And light splits the dark 

I hear you 

And when my heart starts to move 

I know that it's you I hear 

Oh, I hear you 

Oh, I hear   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


Finally Seiji sat up swinging his legs over the side of the couch to lean closer and Touma pulled his gaze away from the fire as the light played across his face. Seiji reached back to flick the lamp off, as he watched the shadows of the fire play across Touma's lean face. Giving his indigo hair more depth, bathing half of his face and darkness and the other half in a soft golden glow...   
  


Touma stared into Seiji's blue-violet eyes and felt himself lost in them. Lost in the beauty of the unearthly being before him. The soft fall of his golden hair, alive in the light of the fire. Seiji's smile sent shivers down his spin, and he felt himself grown warm just sitting there unconsciously leaning forward.   
  


"Seiji?" Touma felt the name fall from his lips like water from a cliff as they leaned closer their lips brushing like electricity as they both pulled back looking a little sheepish.   
  


"Sorry." Muttered Seiji in a hoarse voice...   
  


"Should we..." Touma's voice trailed off and he quickly sat back in his chair looking any where but at his friend.   
  


"The others will be back tomorrow." Seiji said finally staring at the floor. "And..." But he didn't finish his sentence either. Finally he stood up when Touma said nothing more and went over to the fire.   
  


Touma watched Seiji fighting a private war inside himself as he was entranced by the way Seiji moved again, the way his body was clothed in shadows and golden light. The grace in his every move from picking up a piece of fire wood to the way he flicked his hair out of his eyes.   
  


Seiji paused in front of the fire, letting it's warmth flow over him as he listened to the distant rumble of the fire out side. Slowly he stood up and turned away from the fire his eyes locking with Touma's as he turned. For a minute neither one of them moved and then he took a step forward. Each finding it all too easy to see the want... The need in the others eyes as Touma stood up and then hesitated before moving towards Seiji. They both stood there for a second that seemed to stretch for a life span of years barely inches apart... Then before either one of them knew what was happening their lips touched again and this time it lasted for more then a few seconds.   
  


As they pulled apart this time eyes sparkling nervously both smiling neither daring to say anything that might break the spell that had settled over the room.   
  


"Seiji." Whispered Touma again in an awed voice.   
  


"What?" Seiji asked back in an equally quiet voice.   
  


"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?" Touma blushed even as the words left his lips. But the smile that it brought to Seiji's face was more then worth it.   
  


"No." Seiji said. "You know your beautiful when you blush?"   
  


"Iiieeee." Hissed Touma as Seiji slowly slipped his arms around him as their body brushed and Touma drew in a sharp breath.   
  


"And the light splits the darkness." He whispered gently kissing Seiji's neck. "That's what you are Seiji my light in the darkness. Without you it's dark and now that your here...."   
  


"You are the drink that my soul longs to partake of." Seiji gasped back as his heart rose into his throat as he felt Touma's body against and his lips on his neck. "Oh Gods Touma!"   
  


"Hai." Hissed Touma pulled away as Seiji paused for a sec and then closed the barely noticeable gab between them locking lips again as they both started to get a little braver in this new exploration of sensations.   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


Some are who they say they are 

And some are not at all 

Some will catch their raising star 

While others watch theirs fall 

Through the hands of destiny.   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


For a while they played the game of touch and play exploring with hands a lips as they stood there near the fire though neither had need of it's ample heat. For they were both bathed in another kind of heat As they explored a new side of them selves that neither had ever totally realized before now. Something that before had always been hidden in the dark of night never something to be exposed to day light. And yet here it was and neither could deny it's simple truths.   
  


"Touma?" Seiji pulled away this time his eyes searching the others sky blue ones slightly glazed with the passion that he felt and Seiji had to admit that he to felt a little light head. It was a wonderful feeling.   
  


"What?" Touma finally managed swallowing hard before he got it out.   
  


"Are.... Are you sure?" Seiji whispered though it hurt him to even ask he knew he had to. "Are you sure we should do this?"   
  


Touma nodded without the words to say anything else as he leaned forward to captures Seiji's lovely lips with his own pressing his body against his friends before Seiji had a chance to question again...   
  


"It's destiny." Touma hissed in Seiji's ear as he slowly began kissing his neck again and Seiji leaned back letting out his breath through clenched teeth.   
  


"Hai." He gasped pulling Touma harder against himself as his friend continue to kiss his neck his one hand kept Seiji from falling back to the ground while the other slowly began to work Seiji's shirt free of his pants. Slipping underneath to feel the smooth contours of his stomach.   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


Some are taught to live a lie 

Some are searching for the truth 

Some are caught between their pride 

And the innocence of youth 

Which of them is most like me?   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


"Touma?" Asked Seiji again barely getting the name out as the other paused and looked up.   
  


"Wha...?" Touma looked up to see the smile on Seiji's face and smiled back. He loved it when his friend smiled such a rare occasion it was that he cherished each one that he had the privilege of seeing. Touma admired Seiji in some ways his friend seemed so young and yet in others he was older then any of them. It was a strange and yet alluring combination almost like the smell of Seiji. So many different things mixed together but still they smelled good. Not over powering... Just right.   
  


Seiji smiled at Touma, and shook his hair out of his eyes. Touma's gaze was full of love and passion something that he had longed to see since he couldn't remember when and now here it was. Touma was so strong some times never wanting anyone else to see his pain. So strong and proud and yet inside longing for someone to share it with... So much like himself and yet so different at the same time.   
  


Slowly Seiji pulled Touma back to him, slipping his tongue between his lips tasting the warm insides of his mouth, as his hand slowly plays across Touma's body as he did so. For a second he pulled away and brushed a hand across Touma's flushed cheek and saw a flash of innocent wonder in his eyes as their lips met again, with a violent passion that sent everything else through the roof and out of their minds. They were both different and yet right now they were the same...   
  
  
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


In the silence in my mind 

There's a solace that I find...   
  


~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~ ~*~   
  


As they fell back to the couch lost in the passion of each others touches and kisses with abandon cloths fell to the floor and soon new wonders presented themselves. Too much to take in all at one time.   
  


Which was just fine with them.   
  


THE END!!! 

Lady Jaya 

5/5/2000 


End file.
